(left side is me in the hospital 9 months ago, and the right is me today)
there’s something that’s been bothering me and i feel like i need to get it off my chest not only for taylorswift to see, but it’s something that i don’t tell many people or talk about very much, and i feel like it’s finally time to address it.
last april (april 10th, 2014 to be exact) i was on a college tour, to a college that is 12 hours away from my home near LA, California, so i, along with around 40 other students and 3 chaperones, were invited on an all expenses paid trip aboard a charter bus to have a tour of the school. unfortunately, before we were able to reach the school, a fed-ex truck heading in the opposite direction crossed the highway medium and collided with our tour bus head-on. as you can probably imagine, it wasn’t a pretty sight. i could go into detail after detail about everything that happened, but to keep it short, 10 people died, and just about the rest of us were injured. i was sitting towards the front of the bus, about 5 rows back, and i blacked out right as the fed ex truck hit us. again, to save time and space, i eventually made it out of the enflamed bus and onto the side of the road, where i was the first to be taken to by an ambulance (once they eventually arrived). i later figured out my injuries included a radial head fracture on my right elbow (basically, i broke my elbow really badly), my left lung had been punctured (basically, there was a hole in my lung) and both were bruised, i suffered from 3rd degree burns on my ear and back of my head, along with minor scratches and bruising throughout my body. i, as well as many of the others, had also inhaled a lot of smoke due to the fire that started almost immediately after collision. on top of that, i have really bad asthma, so inhaling a lot of smoke WITH a punctured lung is about the worst it could get for someone like me. as i sat on the side of the road, waiting for aid, i thought it was the end for me. i was suffering the worst asthma attack i ever had experienced, and with the great amount of smoke i inhaled on top of my punctured lung, at any time i suppose i could have stopped breathing, and i thought i was going to. anyway, to wrap this up, i was in the hospital (a hospital that was 10 hours away from home) for about a week until i was eventually cleared to go home. i had surgery on my elbow, as well as surgery to place a tube into my lung to help my lung and to ensure that it wouldn’t collapse while i was in surgery.
i guess one of the reasons that i’m typing this is to explain how much taylor has helped me through this experience indirectly. i remember on about the 3rd night i was in the hospital, i was watching saturday night live because i couldn’t sleep. ed sheeran was the musical guest and i was pretty intrigued because i really like ed. all of a sudden, taylor appears on the screen, and for the first time since i had been admitted to the hospital, my face lit up with pure joy and excitement. seeing taylor made me so happy, so genuinely happy, and just something about that was some sort of sign that told me things would be okay. also, a day or two before i left, the had to take the chest tube that was inserted into my lung during surgery out. to my surprise, there wasn’t any fancy procedure i had to endure to get it out, they simply just yank it out. the idea of just yanking it out frightened me a bit and i was really nervous about that. my brother said “hold on” to the doctor, pulled out his phone and put on his taylor pandora. something about it was just so soothing and comforting, knowing that taylor was right by my side, even though she wasn’t physically. i’ll never forget the song that came on… sparks fly. while it doesn’t really have a special meaning to that situation, it was just special hearing taylor’s voice in the background. as my doctor started to take the tube out of my lung, she said “well this is for sure the first time i ever took a chest tube out while listening to taylor swift.”
today, 9 months later, it kills me to say that i am suffering from post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) along with many other things that can come with that. everyday is a battle for me, whether it’s flashbacks, questioning why it happened, or a sense of self hate that has entered my mind ever since it happened. there are some days where i can’t even get out of bed because of it. i could go on for hours talking about everything that’s wrong with me, but saying this much is already something i have never been able to do. i guess the reason why i typed all of this out is for a few reasons. i want taylor to know how much she has helped me in everything that i have been through these past 9 months. also, posting something as personal as this is something i have never been able to do. for the past 9 months, the whole situation has been so secretive for me, i try to talk about it as little as i can, even with people in my real life, but especially online. i suppose talking about it and accepting is the first step to recovery, and i am so ready to get past this. i hope one day i can tell taylor all of this and more personally, but for now, i suppose this is all i have. i’m sorry this turned out to be so long, thanks to anyone and everyone who actually reads this. i love you taylorswift, thanks for always being by my side.
love, anthony
(via andyoucallmeupagain)
